Current mood:blessed
To those that dont believe that miracles happen every day, you are looking looking in the wrong place. I had a really rough holiday season- i have made a few mistakes over the past few months and my guilt was taking over me. Then it happened, Christmas morning as I cried in the shower for 15 minutes and considered taking the razor that was laying on the edhe of the tub and ending all of my pain, I got down on my knees and I prayed..i prayed like i have never prayed before. I knew that if something didn't happen that my life would soon be ending. Then...He spoke to me- i heard a voice say "Its going to be okay Melissa- I am right here beside you." Still struggling with the pain that i was experiencing, i allowed the words to ease it a little. Later on that night, while reading The Purpose Driven Life...it hit me. My life was as it is bc I wasnt trusting God. I wasnt trusting that He had forgiven me and that things WOULD get better. I was trying to take on the world all on my own. This life isnt about praying for what I want, its about praying that His plan for me is fufilled. The other day- I went balistic, i was mad at God- i didnt understand why he wasnt helping me and telling me what I should do...i now realize that He was but i just wasnt listening to Him. I heard God speak to me, i mean actually HEARD him speak to me for the first time. i rededicated my life to Christ last night- fitting huh? Christmas Day. The peace that fell onto my body is indescribable. I slept last night, actually slept, for the first time in 3 weeks. I ate and didnt throw up- for those that really know me- this is a step forward. Now i know that no matter what- i am not alone. If my ex husband doesn't ever come home- I will be fine. In my heart, I believe that he will- though it make take years, but that's fine...i'll wait. I know that in my heart, God wants us to be a family- my ex just needs to do as I have and listen to what God is telling him. Now- the guilt I once felt is lifted...i know that God has forgiven me and He gave me the power to forgive myself. i cannot change what i have done- I can only pray for forgivness...I am sorry for the things that I have done, but i will not allow my ex to guilt me any longer. I can only pray that God will heal his anger so that he may see what is truly important in his life- his family. God performs miracles every day, and i now know that if it is His will to reconcile my marriage, then it will happen. Not when i want it to- but when God wants it to. I trust that. For the first time in 24 years- I am free. Free from the life I have left behind...i now know what peace feels like and it is beautiful. i have surrendered all to Christ and i know that while i will deal with tribulations, it is through Him that I will find the strength to endure. I will survive...and more importantly- I will live after I die. I know in my heart that I am now a child of God- i always have been...i just had to leave my pride behind and let my Father show me the way. i just needed to shut my mouth and listen.
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