Current mood:
drained So...it's official. Life is a trip. Sometimes I feel like there is no direction what so ever. Don't get me wrong, I know that God has a purpose and a plan for me- but, wow, I feel so lost. I am so indecisive about everything right now. I am trying to move on and hold on to the past all at the same time-which isn't all that easy to do. I mean, do I really expect to have my cake and eat it too? The truly frightening thing is that I am loosing my ability to have emotion, any emotion. I have had this happen before, and lemme tell ya...it isnt pretty. The truth of the matter is this...lost love sucks. I feel like I have lost a part of me. Its always at these times that I only remember the good times- which makes me melancholy and resistant to the change that is necessary for me to survive. It's like my mind shuts out why I left in the first place. I want to believe that this will all pass and life will go back to the way that it used to be. Then, I remember that I wasn't happy when things were as they used to be. He neglected me- like a child neglects an old toy. The insignifigance that I felt during our relationship is beyond most peoples' conception. No one saw it bc I didnt let them. I lead the world to believe that I was happy and that he was the man of my dreams- but inside, I was dying. I put on 50lbs bc I just gave up. He gave up on me, so why shouldn't I give up on myself. The depression took me over. Now, the world views ME as the scandalous one- even he does. The truth is, I just needed attention. If he had of just once showed me love, anything...I would have loved him forever. He was my world and to have him ignore me hurt worse than any infidelity could. I opened up to him, and it was all a hoax. A huge facade of emotion. Sometimes, I don't think that he loved me at all. How can someone truly love you, and in the same breath not hear a word that you say. I am not emotional, I never have been- I changed that for him and all he could say is that I was wrong for feeling...anything. I am slowly building these walls, involuntarily. So, on goes the saga. Funnily enough- I don't regret it. I never regret...I only learn. To him- I pray that someday, he learns about passion and real love. I hope that he lets go of his inhibitions and can someday show the world, or anyone for that matter, what he feels. My only regret is that I am hardening my heart towards him. I can't allow myself to hurt anymore- which means my days of him are through. Only so many times will I allow myself to be berated and belittled. I am packing my emotional baggage and calling it a day. I pray that God takes this anger and hurt that I have. More so- I pray that Chad someday realizes what exactly he let go.
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