Closing Time

Its closing time....
Current mood:bowchickawowow

As the dust settles...and the bar closes- here I stand, beer in hand, wondering 'what the fuck?' In my 26 years, so much has happened. I have made love and lost love all in the same day. The only remaining consistency I have ever known is inconsistency. Lessons learned...but not always good ones. I have learned that people never change, at least not for the better. Time never really heals wounds, we just pretend like it doesn't hurt anymore. Hate and love are reflective of one another...just depending on how you look at it. We learn from out mistakes, but also struggle to not allow ourselves to be bitter from their repercussions. I used to think that being alone was my greatest fear...but now, its almost comforting- which may be an even more frightening thought than the initial...talk about irony. I have learned that stupidity it prevalent, it comes in all forms...and for it, I have no tolerance. Alas, I find myself envying simpletons- as ignorance mirrors bliss. I have found that all the beauty in the world... cannot save me from myself. I have looked in the mirror, and viewed a total stranger. I have found peace in situations that initially caused me unrest...i.e. my daughters; and found unrest in situations that initially gave me peace...i.e. my marriage. It's easier to blame others for things that cause me pain, even if my demons were the cause of it. I have learned to let go...even when I shouldn't. I find myself longing to be loved, but unwilling to give into the notion of it. I have learned to hold my tongue...as sometimes my silence is deafening. Expectations are pointless...it's like trying to predict the unpredictable- and feeling empty when they aren't met. Not only will I be disappointed in others, but also in myself. I now know that I have never truly been in love, which hurts worse than any epiphany I have ever reached. I feel remorse for those I have hurt...almost to the point where I won't allow anyone close to me, for fear that I will do it again. I am my own worse enemy...yet, I intrigue myself- which is a total mind fuck. I have learned that my temper is my kryptonite...but have also learned to control it. I find myself longing for the truth, even though I don't know what it is. Sometimes I look at myself and think that I am fucking gorgeous...other times, not so much, lol. In contrast, I now find myself measuring my appeal less on my looks...and more on my character. I am more myself than I have ever been, though I am not sure that is a good thing, lol. I am totally okay with my oddities, though I am not sure everyone else is...but I don't care. I exude sex appeal, and men are enamored by my presence, but I am not really sure why. Ahhh...from the mind of a vixen......bowchickawow. I still fucking love me dude.