Sometimes....i think

Monday, November 03, 2008

Sometimes...I think. I think about what was, what is, and what will be. I used to think that there was some truth to these thoughts...but as time reveals, it's mostly speculation. I strive to be the best that I can...the best mother, the best lover, the best friend- yet I always somehow find myself falling short. I have loved, and I have lost...usually on my own account. I digress, there are those few...those numbered few, that walked away without thinking twice. Mostly, I didn't so much care about them as I did the idea that they didn't care about me. Yet, there was one...he may be hypothetical, but probably not- that I just didn't understand. He chased me, for years...he tried- but I turned away from him, because that is what I do. He chased and he chased and he chased...and finally, I got tired of running. I gave in...and it was bliss. Every moment with him was something that I will never forget...some bad, but mostly good. Time stood still while I laid in his arms. He made me want something better...something more than the random collection of men of whom I had grown so fond of. Suddenly, everything changed...no reason, no excuse, no blame. There I stood...not really heartbroken, but just unable to grasp what had just happened. When everything seemed so right, how did things go so wrong? I didn't ask for this...I kept him at bay- I didn't want a relationship...this was what he said that he wanted, I fought it...yet his persistence wore me down. Now, after all that has gone .. so many nights of endless conversations about everything and nothing, this is what I am left with? After longing for him, even when I didn't want to and avoiding it all until the last possible minute...where is he now? What did I do...? What did I miss...? What this all a facade...? Did this mean nothing to him...? Now, I have realized...it wasn't me. It was the thrill, the chase, the unknown. I was something intangible...and when I gave that up- there was nothing left. Nothing left to wonder about...nothing left to long for. I think I understand... some people are destined to never fall in love. There are some that are perfectly content with the idea of bouncing from person to person...but never feeling a thing. Do I hate him? No...I couldn't...on the inside, somewhere...is a decent man, an honorable man. All the potential in the world rests in his soul. He was a good friend when I needed him...he talked me through some of the hardest times of my life- and for that, I am forever thankful. People serve their purpose in our lives as God sees it fit...and his was to allow me to see things from a different perspective. Because of him, I found that I still had the ability to feel...and I was afraid that I had lost that. I wish that things could have been different...but wishes are what they are- and the reality of it is this...sometimes you hit, sometimes you miss. I miss him. I miss his voice. I miss his smile. I miss the anticipation of when we again see one another. Oddly, I knew the last time I stayed with him...would be the last time I stayed with him. I knew our last kiss...would be our last kiss. I think of him from time to time...what could have been, what time could have allowed. I could have given him the best of me...but in the end, it is what it is. We are who we are...and sometimes, our timing is completely off. I hope he knows that I think of him often, and I hope he knows that there will always be a special place in my heart just for him.