in the wee hours....

So...my last night of work for six weeks. Wowza...what a night. Heart attacks, MVAs, and babies...oh my. It's cool though...kind of kept my mind off the things which lie ahead. I am sure I am being irrational, but with working in health care...I know what can go wrong during surgery. I am just trying to not think about it.

Moving along...so, I cut my best friend of 16 years off about 2 months ago. Why??? Well, that is bc she is self absorbed and violated the code of confidentiality that holds true among best friends. I found out the other day she is having (another) baby. I don't know how I feel about that. She was also married this past weekend...which I didn't understand until I heard about the new addition. I miss her...I really do. She was my best friend since like...birth. Everything in my childhood, well mostly, involves her. My first kiss, my period, the prom, my first time getting drunk, my (lots of) firsts with illegal substances, my first bf, my first heart break. I just feel like I have lost so much with losing her. Part of my wants to call her and tell her that losing our friendship..no matter the cause, is silly. Another part of me, the stubborn Mick, says fuck her...I have plenty of friends. Even I know that is irrational. I miss her kids sooooo much. I have been a part of their lives since day 1, and I feel like I have lost a child of my own. Uggh...it's such a strange place I find myself at almost 28 years of age. I keep being told that things get easier...but this seems to not be the case.

In matters of love...nothing new, nothing spectacular...nothing really at all. I suppose this is why I always try to steer from relationships. It seems I just coexist with this guy...sometimes I look at him and wonder if I really know who he is at all. Sometimes, I swear I can look at him and see a stranger. Michael is a complex character...one with many faces. Some are genuine, others are facetious. I see the facades he puts on for others...and sometimes, I wonder if he is just acting out the part with me. So much has happened in 2 years...so much has changed. I have read before that the one who holds the power in a relationship is the one who cares the least. Those roles have drastically changed since 2007. In the beginning, I was crazy over him. Now, I can't even remember feeling that way. He doesn't understand the change...then again, he has never been fucked over the way he has done others. I look at him at times...and wonder what it was that we all saw. There is nothing spectacular...nothing remarkable. His looks are mediocre. His personality is also tepid, depending on the day... one could even find it repulsive. He is very smart...but very lazy- which is why he is nowhere in life. Perhaps...after all this time, no matter how hard either of us have tried- this relationship simply cannot survive his neglect and lack of consideration for my feelings. I am a caring person, and I don't understand the nature of people who aren't. He...just isn't. Michael cares about himself and whatever directly relates to an outcome that may be pleasing for him. I believe he cares about me as much as he is able to care about another human being...but I truly don't feel that is saying much. I spent so much time in a lackluster romance...and I vowed to never allow myself to feel as such again. Alas, here I am. I am a creature of habit...therefore I don't feel that I will ever truly feel for him as I once did, bc I cannot risk being broken again. I won't let it happen. Sadly, at this point...nothing he could do could hurt me any more than he already has. I would never tell him this...bc undoubtedly, he would deny it...but I have never felt that he really loves me. He tells me he does, but it feels fake. I don't think Michael can love...not anyone other than Gabe. Which is a whole new issue...leaving Michael also means losing Gabe and though he isn't my own, I am crazy about that little booger. His giggles are contagious...and Kailey and Elyza love him. I am not saying I want to leave Michael, rather make him leave as we do live in my house...it's just, I feel...so blah. I just don't think this is a way I could spend forever.

Then there is my sister...God be with her, that is all I can say. Her soon to be ex is so much worse a fate than any I can think of. He is worse than Chad, which is hard to swallow. Knowing how mean he is being to my sweety poo sis makes me want to fucking kick him in the throat. Who knows...??? I just may do it....lol. Lord knows he and I have went toe to toe several times. I am a very rational, very understanding person. I digress, when my temper flares...bad shit happens. Lol...no amount of anger management (not even the 4 times I have been) could save old Brian....that motherfucker. I pray God calms me...if not, Dad already said he would bail me out of jail:) Actually, my dad is the only one that understands my 'psychotic tendencies, as the counselor put it... Hell, I got it from him. Ughh...men. WTF.

Yea well...that is enough for now. Updates post surg soon.

Assistant needed...for free.

OMG...I feel like my guts are being pulled apart right now. Like seriously, I am overwhelmed. I don't even know where to begin. Surgery scheduled for March 19th...with that comes pre-op testing, and pre op clearances. Eight doctors appointments in less than 2 weeks...each copay being 40$. My job is really getting to me...I have been passed up for promotions on several counts and I don't know why. I am educated, I am experienced, and I have management experience. Alas, I am passed. One of the old managers told me in hind sight that it was because upper management is intimidated by me. Why??? Not sure. I need to get out of this rat race...I make excellent money- but I was not meant for drone work. Period. I need to upgrade...I need a bigger house and I can't do that without some sort of promotion. I am already paying out close to 2500$ a month in bills as it is. We have been balls to the wall busy for the past month, relentlessly. When I get off work, my back is killing me, and my feet are swollen, and my mind is a mess. My ADD and OCD are taking me to the point that I can't concentrate...which sucks. My doctor won't prescribe me anything for it...so very soon, I will be doc shopping again. I never sleep...which poses all kinds of other problems. My ex husband is back on strike for child support...which means that I will have to go back to court, again. What pisses me off is that he nonpayment isn't due to any particular reason. He proposed to his girlfriend..which i couldn't care less about...but he bought her a ring, bought a new car, and a few other things. He is nearly 3k in arrears...!!!! Fuck him. I am raising Kailey and Elyza alone. He has nothing to do with their school functions, their teachers, their extra curricular activities- nothing. Michael is more of a father to my daughters than Chad Mahatha has ever dreamed to be. I never asked him to be this...he took the role upon himself. He tells people that he has three kids...which means a lot to me. I was always very defensive about this...bc I am Miss Independent and I never wanted anyone's help. Michael kind of forced it bc he knows how stressed I get. I mean, on the daily, I am literally pulled in at least 7 directions. I enrolled in school, then freaked the fuck out bc I knew I didn't have time. I need a break...that is for damn sure. Away from EVERYONE'S drama...I need some time to myself. I can't remember the last time I had a moments peace. I am sure that I am self loathing right now...but I guess we all have our days. Sigh...I need a free assistant.

Arggg...babys dad.

So...Chad and I went back to court, again. I got my last name hyphenated...it's now Hall-Mahatha. Woohoo! Chad showed up in court wearing jeans and a tee shirt...big surprise. He is such a fucking chode. It's embarrassing for me to have my attorney look at me and say 'what were you thinking?' lol...but humorous all the same. We went through the whole schpeal...and then the judge asked him if there were anything he wanted to add. Of fucking course there was, there always is...which wouldn't be so bad if he weren't a retard. "uhh yea your honor...there is the matter of a big screen TV. She sold it without my knowledge..and I think I should get some of the money." Also "There are a few things at the house...things I left behind" (we have been split up for almost 4 fucking years...) The judge asks if he has a list...he replies no, just odds and ends. The judge rolls his eyes, and says...Do you know how hard it would be to write a court order for odds and ends??? He told him that he had no legal right to anything in this home...as he is the one who left. (Even though I made him) Then...Chad says that my attorney was wrong...that he had started paying child support December 5th, not the 11th. The judge says...ok, the court order was for October???? You couldn't manage to come up with 60? lol...So court ended in my favor. Chad has to pay 250$ in my legal fees...(which my attorney has already drawn up paperwork assuming he won't pay) and he is now behind a grand total of 2000$. On to the next day...Chad asks me if I am going to allow him to claim my daughters on taxes. I laughed...and said no. He goes off the handle and says he is going to call my mom and dad...I told him to see how that works for him, lmao. ESPECIALLY ask for my dad...he has been wanting to talk to Chad for a while. (My dad is the only person I know who has a worse temper than I....he is nuts) Then, in my 'special person talk'...I explain that he has paid a total of 110$ for 2009 in child support. I paid for clothes, medical bills, I carry their insurance which is 50$ every two weeks, and I paid for Kailey's Kindergarten which was 1200$. After all the explanation...he still is too simple to get it. He tells me he is taking me back to court...I then tell him I had already planned on it for his contempt to pay my attorney fees. I also tried to explain that so long as he is in arrears...2000$ in arrears...no judge is EVER going to grant him the award of using my kids as his ghetto paycheck. The mother fucker worked two months out of the whole year. He is just mad because he can't go out like all the other project, ghetto, broke ass rats and buy a new flat screen...or a car stereo. Uggghhh....I hate him. I need to pray about that...but sometimes, I wish he would just off himself. He contributes nothing to society except affirm racial stereotypes....fuck...do something, be some fucking body. Learn how to speak and fucking spell. He wasn't raised to be who he is...that is for sure. The Mahatha's are good people...but Chad??? He isn't worth the fucking air he wastes to stay alive.

kissed by a rose on the gray...

No blacks, no whites...just gray. Here is where I stand...in the gray. Could this really be? After succeeding in spite of hurdles...after surviving my life- I am gray? I am 27. In all honestly, I should be proud of myself. I am not. I feel like I have failed myself, my daughters. I could be so much more than what I am . It wasn't meant for me to be a drone. To work my ass off for 'the man'. I should be in the lime light...it's where I have always belonged. I had so many blessings...and I threw them away. When I was growing up...I dreamed so big. I wanted to be a pediatrician...when did I lose sight of that? I remember...it's when I turned down scholarship after scholarship. I am so angry at myself. I can't say I wish I could turn back time...because Kailey and Elyza (despite their assfuck of a father) are my first, my last, my everything. Even still...I feel I should be able to do more for them. I feel I have done them a disservice by not living up to my potential. Ahh the things we do for love...or at least what we think is love. I mean...really? Can anyone tell me what love is supposed to feel like? I've no passion for it anymore. I used to...but you can only beat someone so many times before they start to flinch. Here I stand...gray, and flinching. lol...Satyrically comical. Sigh...my life- a dark fucking comedy...starring me. I want a love like Gomez and Morticia. Quirkily misunderstood...but real love. I know they were fictional characters...but to think that a man could be so chivalrous is a beautiful thought. What happened to chivalry anyway? Why is it that men of this generation only love after they have lost. Time after time...love always happens at different intervals. Why is it that a man has to drag me to Hell before knowing he loves me? By the time they realize it...I have already lost interest. Present 'relationship' included. Michael is a good man...but fucked up. Way passed anything I can begin to decypher. I know he loves me...despite his ways. He has been good for a while now...I think being homeless for two weeks helped that. I digress...I don't feel the same. I am not attracted to him anymore...he made himself the enemy. No matter how hard I try...I will never feel as I once did for him. Sigh...and so is life. With this being said...I lose the blacks and the whites- there is no definition anymore. My love, my hate, my angst, my desire...it used to be so defined, so extreme, so passionate. Now...mediocrity is my creed. Gray...FML.

So that was Christmas...

What a melancholy day...with the passing of my uncle, things just weren't the same. Don't get me wrong, having the girls home and watching them tear through their stuff was fun...and going home to Grandma and Grandpa's was awesome. It was just so hard to be joyful when I knew what my Aunt must have been going through. It has been such a tumultuous week with the girls being sick, then Michael, then my uncle's passing. Sigh, I feel like it all just blew by. Anyway...the girls and Gabriel got all kinds of goodies. Kailey and Lyza were upset that Gabriel didn't get to open his till the next day. They didn't understand why his wasn't wrapped.../rolls eyes...evidently Michael's Santa doesn't wrap. Michael can be so fickle about the silliest of things. Christmas with the family was bittersweet...but we mustered through. The girls got tons of clothes from my family...not many toys per my request:) I got a new pea coat from my mom along with some super awesome costume jewelry. Kailey made me an ornament...which made me cry. Michael gave me a kick ass purse that I hadn't noticed that he saw me eyeballing...which was a nice surprise. The most fun was seeing the reactions of the kids. The girls both got the scooters that they HAD to have, along with tons of clothes. Kailey's were all black, as she informed me that she is 'Goth' now :) We had our immediate family Christmas saturday at my house...which is always my favorite. Kailey got a Karaoke machine (which made her psuedo pass out, lol. Lyza got her Dora Links doll that she had been raving about.(both from mawmaw) Gabriel got a truck shaped case with about 30 cars inside, along with some new clothes...and Santa is ordering him his own rocking chair with his name on it so that he doesn't have to sneak into the girls' chairs. I can't complain I guess...I just wish that something tragic didn't have to happen every year.
Now that Christmas is over...it's business as usual. I am having surgery tentatively on Jan. 22...if the insurance and my doctor can collaborate. This has me super stressed bc I am worried about finances. Oh well...guess it is what it is. Good thing I have faith...otherwise I may lose my mind, lol.

Until next time....

In loving memory...

In loving memory...

Letting go...in so many aspects, is so hard to do. Whether it be letting go of our past, letting go of a loved one...our whatever it is to which we are attached. There is never an easy way to move on, but we have to. Yesterday, I lost my uncle...William Howard Long. This man dedicated his life to serving Christ, being a dedicated family man, and spent 40+ years protecting our safety as a Sheriff. His wife, who is one of the kindest most gentle people I have ever met, was so peaceful. She said it was God's will...she held his hand and told him it was okay to go. It was at that point I became envious of her strength. To be so sure of something, to have such rich faith...faith in God, faith in the future...and she is at peace with it. These two...I have never seen love as they shared. They had no children, and everyday was like puppy love. After 40+ years, he still called her 'doll', he still opened doors for her...you could see in his eyes that she was his everything, as he was hers. We always have our memories, to hold us over until the sun shines again. She could mourn forever, and be sad...but she knows that isn't what he would want. His passing has gotten me thinking about lots of things in my life. What is it that I need to let go in order to move on with my life?? Well, I don't know...but I know something is holding me back. I want a love like I know that my uncle and aunt shared...one that is strong enough to survive death. I feel like there is something in the way of that...I pray that God shows me the way. RIP Uncle Howard...you will always be loved and you will always be in so many of our hearts and memories. I am sure that you are looking down thinking about how silly we all are for our tears...as you are having the time of your life- literally :)

Posted by cynicalvixen at 9:26 PM

use somebody

Sunday, August 02, 2009

Use somebody Current mood: contemplative "What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction."- Chuck Palahniuk. Looking into nothingness... I am standing so close to something spectacular that I can smell it. I yearn for a moment of being understood, a moment to relish in the splendor of solace. Who am I? I am one who has hurt and been hurt. I am one who has fallen, only to stand again. I am one who has succeeded and failed all in the same breath. Alas, this lifestyle...this mode of survival is unnerving. I am weary with survival...I want to live. I want to rid myself of expectations....I want to breathe. I want to find myself...in his eyes, whomever he may be. These peaks and valleys of love...they have left me callused. How is one to find her prince submerged in a sea of frogs? I have said that I will never feel again...that I will hide from love and all that it entails. I'm tired of hiding. I want to feel that rush...to be swept of my feet, to feel safe in his arms as if the world cannot phase me. I want to need him in order to feel like myself. I want to smell his scent on my skin. I want to wake up everyday as exuberant as the day we met. I want him to never need another woman...to be amerced in me and all that is me. I digress, does he exist? Is he real? I want to believe that this is feasible....that love will someday set me free. Until then, I will not falter...i will be diligent with this silent vigil for the passion I know I need. The final chapter in the book of my past....and the first chapter in the book of my future.