Current mood:
numb Trust no one...feel nothing, and this is where I stand. I'm battered, I'm torn, I'm confused, and honestly, I question whether I will survive all of this madness...AKA my life. To whom do I turn? Who could possibly understand what I am dealing with right now? I feel like my identity is out the window....that I am stuck in survival mode, merely doing the motions. Silly fuckers...you mope over the dumbest things- while I have to worry if my children are going to bed hungry while they are at their father's house. I have to worry about who exactly he is allowing around my children. I have to worry if he is doing drugs around them. I know that most would think...why do I allow him to have them then? Well, the answer is this...if he doesn't keep them- I can't work. If I can't work, then I cannot take care of my children, or keep a roof over their heads. I can't even depend on the minuscule piece of change that he is supposed to give me now. I keep praying that things will get better, that I will finally be able to breathe after all these years...but alas, the problems worsen. His lack of responsibility heightens...and where am I? Cleaning up his messes. Working 60 hours a week to suffice for what he cannot do. Trying to explain to my daughters why their father doesn't play with them, why he doesn't talk to them- I had to try and save face the other day when my four year old asked me why her daddy doesn't love her anymore. What do I say to that? How can I protect her from feeling the pain that she is rightfully allowed to feel? How can I EVER convey to him how big of a piece of shit he really is? Breathe in, breathe out...and Im going to pray for strength...for wisdom...for courage. I beg for understanding from those who try to love me...as my cynicism and distrust for him bleeds out to all that I know. Why can't this be different? Why does it have to be so fucking hard? My heart aches for my girls...I feel it's my fault in some odd way. Like I am not doing my part to protect them...like I am failing them in some fashion. I just want to wake up from this nightmare...and for everything to be okay again. I'm tired of feeling like I am falling apart...I just want to breathe.
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