What a melancholy day...with the passing of my uncle, things just weren't the same. Don't get me wrong, having the girls home and watching them tear through their stuff was fun...and going home to Grandma and Grandpa's was awesome. It was just so hard to be joyful when I knew what my Aunt must have been going through. It has been such a tumultuous week with the girls being sick, then Michael, then my uncle's passing. Sigh, I feel like it all just blew by. Anyway...the girls and Gabriel got all kinds of goodies. Kailey and Lyza were upset that Gabriel didn't get to open his till the next day. They didn't understand why his wasn't wrapped.../rolls eyes...evidently Michael's Santa doesn't wrap. Michael can be so fickle about the silliest of things. Christmas with the family was bittersweet...but we mustered through. The girls got tons of clothes from my family...not many toys per my request:) I got a new pea coat from my mom along with some super awesome costume jewelry. Kailey made me an ornament...which made me cry. Michael gave me a kick ass purse that I hadn't noticed that he saw me eyeballing...which was a nice surprise. The most fun was seeing the reactions of the kids. The girls both got the scooters that they HAD to have, along with tons of clothes. Kailey's were all black, as she informed me that she is 'Goth' now :) We had our immediate family Christmas saturday at my house...which is always my favorite. Kailey got a Karaoke machine (which made her psuedo pass out, lol. Lyza got her Dora Links doll that she had been raving about.(both from mawmaw) Gabriel got a truck shaped case with about 30 cars inside, along with some new clothes...and Santa is ordering him his own rocking chair with his name on it so that he doesn't have to sneak into the girls' chairs. I can't complain I guess...I just wish that something tragic didn't have to happen every year.
Now that Christmas is over...it's business as usual. I am having surgery tentatively on Jan. 22...if the insurance and my doctor can collaborate. This has me super stressed bc I am worried about finances. Oh well...guess it is what it is. Good thing I have faith...otherwise I may lose my mind, lol.
Until next time....
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
In loving memory...
In loving memory...
Letting go...in so many aspects, is so hard to do. Whether it be letting go of our past, letting go of a loved one...our whatever it is to which we are attached. There is never an easy way to move on, but we have to. Yesterday, I lost my uncle...William Howard Long. This man dedicated his life to serving Christ, being a dedicated family man, and spent 40+ years protecting our safety as a Sheriff. His wife, who is one of the kindest most gentle people I have ever met, was so peaceful. She said it was God's will...she held his hand and told him it was okay to go. It was at that point I became envious of her strength. To be so sure of something, to have such rich faith...faith in God, faith in the future...and she is at peace with it. These two...I have never seen love as they shared. They had no children, and everyday was like puppy love. After 40+ years, he still called her 'doll', he still opened doors for her...you could see in his eyes that she was his everything, as he was hers. We always have our memories, to hold us over until the sun shines again. She could mourn forever, and be sad...but she knows that isn't what he would want. His passing has gotten me thinking about lots of things in my life. What is it that I need to let go in order to move on with my life?? Well, I don't know...but I know something is holding me back. I want a love like I know that my uncle and aunt shared...one that is strong enough to survive death. I feel like there is something in the way of that...I pray that God shows me the way. RIP Uncle Howard...you will always be loved and you will always be in so many of our hearts and memories. I am sure that you are looking down thinking about how silly we all are for our tears...as you are having the time of your life- literally :)
use somebody
Sunday, August 02, 2009
 | Current mood:  contemplative "What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction."- Chuck Palahniuk.Looking into nothingness... I am standing so close to something spectacular that I can smell it. I yearn for a moment of being understood, a moment to relish in the splendor of solace. Who am I? I am one who has hurt and been hurt. I am one who has fallen, only to stand again. I am one who has succeeded and failed all in the same breath. Alas, this lifestyle...this mode of survival is unnerving. I am weary with survival...I want to live. I want to rid myself of expectations....I want to breathe. I want to find myself...in his eyes, whomever he may be. These peaks and valleys of love...they have left me callused. How is one to find her prince submerged in a sea of frogs? I have said that I will never feel again...that I will hide from love and all that it entails. I'm tired of hiding. I want to feel that rush...to be swept of my feet, to feel safe in his arms as if the world cannot phase me. I want to need him in order to feel like myself. I want to smell his scent on my skin. I want to wake up everyday as exuberant as the day we met. I want him to never need another woman...to be amerced in me and all that is me. I digress, does he exist? Is he real? I want to believe that this is feasible....that love will someday set me free. Until then, I will not falter...i will be diligent with this silent vigil for the passion I know I need. The final chapter in the book of my past....and the first chapter in the book of my future. |
Truth, rarely
....................
A woman, in her truest form...
quite a goddess-
sensuality seeping from her pores-
and she knows this.
Unmistakenly mistakeable, she is as she pleases-
she walks away from most that can't understand.
Looking in her eyes, is like looking at the sun-
too powerful to truly see a thing.
So she closes them, to make others comfortable,
so they cant see the truth in her.
And with the sway of her hips,
lust bleeds out into a pool-
of empty nothingness that no one can touch.
Alone, content, she sets in the pool-
and drinks of it, so that it doesnt hurt her,
or anyone else.
Her lips are sweet, with passion...
and poison all the same,
As she looks at you awkwardly-
not remembering your name.
She could have sworn she came alone,
that there was no one to see the mess-
because her intent was to set here...
alone- joined only by her emptiness.
As you watch her clumsily gather herself,
you notice that there is something about her-
the way she speaks...her hair touching her face,
how she looks through you instead of at you-
amerced, deeply in this whirlwind of emotions...
Not even you could help but stare.
The light, kissing her skin so softly,
almost glowing, to touch her, divine.
Her scent, as you breathe her in-
heavenly almost, unforgettable.
She turns to you, though she knows she shouldn't...
for solace, for a place to rest her soul.
Standing
Current mood:vixen-ish
She didn't mean to get so drunk,
just a little faded...
then her life crept upon her-
and all the nightmares she's created.
And she's standing, with her knife...
Her intentions always started good,
though it's never really seemed as such-
She would love someone forever...
And when forever seemed to take too long,
and it all just got to be too much-
she would find another habit.
And she's standing, with a bottle....
A kiss that's filled with cyanide,
she even tried to tell them all to go away
but no one ever listened.
She's not the girl that someone wants to marry,
there are too many pieces to her puzzle-
that she doesn't care to show them.
And she's standing, in her own blood.
She has always tried not to stay too long,
to say goodbye before the welcomes gone-
and she's left before it's dawn.
It's easier for her to walk away from you,
than to ever just be left behind-
and I never meant to hurt you.
And Im standing, confused.
And she's looking, in a mirror...
that's broken.
And she's lying on the pieces...
she's broken.
And she can't stand, anymore
He's Just Not that into you
onday, May 18, 2009
| Current mood:  pretty I just saw the most awesome movie ever...He's Just Not that into You. Ladies, if you haven't seen it or heard of it....I advise, totally. It got me thinking about a lot of things...in regards to life, and relationships. So many time we catch ourselves up in this cat and mouse game called dating...and in actuality, none of it matters. If someone isn't diggin' you, then pack up your emotional baggage and get the fuck up on through. I have never been one to waste my time in places where nothing stands...yet, even i sometimes get overwhelmed in the mess. My opinion is this, there is always someone better behind the next curtain...always. Don't settle...it will leave you drained and disappointed. If you see the tell tale signs in the beginning, then don't expect things to change or get better- because they won't. People DON'T change, they just alter themselves as the situation calls for it. Still, always reverting to their original state. I have learned to be who I am and the rest will follow. I never find myself desolate in matters of the heart, and I never regret...I learn instead. I see so many of my friends that thrive on the drama that these so called men cause.... they never realize who they truly are in the single sense. There are all kinds of rules to dating....and most are total bullshit. Then, there is the exception...and that is how one knows that they have found their niche. When nothing is as it's never been, that's when you have struck gold. Until then, fuck em...I am going to have a blast being me. Whatever happens in between is just for shits and giggles anyway- no matter how important they think they might be. Lol. Boys...they are so much fun to play with |
Sigh...
Monday, May 11, 2009
| Current mood:hapless How is one supposed to believe in something when nothing is all they have? I sit back and nothing is at it was, or has ever been. I just need a moment, a glimmer of hope to allow me to see that this whole thing hasn't been in vain. How can I remain positive when everything I have done in life, besides having my daughters, has ended in failure? I never asked for any of this, but it was given all the same. No one knows what I have survived because I refuse to allow the world to see me weakened. Alas, even my walls are cracking. When every day is a struggle to remain sane, all I want to do is let go. I am tired of holding on the empty promises and hopeless fantasies, only to be left empty handed and even more broken than before. When looking in the mirror means staring at a stranger....this just cannot be my life. Where did everything go wrong? Has anything ever really been right? A sweet little girl who knew nothing of the world, and in an instant- it was all taken away. There are no happy endings, no prince charmings, just a handful of lies and cheap promises that no one ever intended to keep. I could have loved them, instead- I lost myself. There are some wounds that time simply cannot touch. I am tired of being a lost cause, I just want to find someone that understands- there is so much more to me than what I allow the world to see. |
Pirates Life
Monday, May 04, 2009
| Moving on....from life, from the past, from the ties that bind our souls. On to the next endeavor, hoping it will be the last. Unpacking our baggage, and sitting...right down in the middle of it and hoping that for once...someone will understand what they see. To an outsider, it all seems like clutter. To me, every single mess stands for something. Sometimes...it seems overwhelming, even to me. To look in the mirror, and see all that has been compromised...all that I have given up, how I gave in. At times I am dissapointed...and other times, I am proud. Who knew, after all I have said...after all thats been done- that at my core, I am as strong and as real as I have ever been. Often I wonder who I am, and where will I ever really belong...I wonder if anyone will ever truely understand the Melissa that I know. Who knows? There are no guarantees...no promises, none that can be kept anyway. It's all random...no ryhme, no reason- just....luck. lol...and judging from my streaks of luck, I am more than likely fucked. |
Wee Hours...
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
| Current mood:  apathetic Sometimes people just are who they are. No puzzles, no limericks, no games. We tend to make things complex without the need for it. I envy those people. I don't even understand what the hell is going on in my head half the time, so how in the world can I expect anyone else to? The winds of change....bah, more like El Nino. There is no subtlety in my life. Everything is so pronounced...so 'in your face'. I deny change...but it gives me my dues all the same. At times, I feel as though my skin is going to burst into pieces for lack of understanding. When will any of this mess of life start to make sense? Just another square peg trying to find a home. Opportunities, have come and gone...and I loved them all the same. Him...for my youth. Him...for his ability to shut the world out. Him... for his perspective on life. Him...for his obsession with me. Him...for his knack of making me smile. Him...for his survival. Him...for thinking I am beautiful. Him...for everything he could be, but never will be. Yet, I turn around...and again, alone I stand. There is no one here to hold my hand, to make me smile, to tell me I am pretty. I'm no stranger to this game, I know I don't need the affirmation. I digress, sometimes...I'm just a nervous little girl trying to find her way back home. How could they leave me all alone....when they swore they would be here forever? Oh, that's right....I made them go. |
Writings on the Wall
Sunday, March 01, 2009
| Current mood:  forgotten There isn't too much left to know, another time...it's time to go. The illusion of complexity- it only seemed to make no sense. It was all so out of focus, close your eyes to make it clear. Mistakenly unmistakable, she'll be gone before it all makes sense. Nothing unusual, no snowflakes here... she is as unremarkable as the next. Please don't send me flowers... you just don't understand. I'm just trying to make sense of me, but I don't think I can. I don't need your sympathy- I can do this on my own. But please don't send me flowers, I want to lie here all alone. Another empty glass, reflecting nothing she can't see. She could have been there, she should have felt it. The ever present sound of silence, she whispers out his name. She sleeps next to his memories, but they don't taste the same. She should have written, she could have called- instead she etched it on the wall. Please don't send me flowers... you just don't understand. I'm just trying to make sense of me, but I don't think I can. I don't need your sympathy- I can do this on my own. But please don't send me flowers, I want to lie here all alone. She picks up the phone, but the numbers are gone- The is no one left to call. Staring at an empty vase, tears streaming down her face- watching the last petal fall. |
La Te da
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
| When temptations' appeal surpasses common thought- I wonder if I have become what I loathe. It's all in the name of belonging, feeling needed...that's all it's ever been. I have never understood how I think, what I feel....I just know that usually, it's never right. My callused heart...these tainted feelings, I had no choice but to evolve- it was merely survival. It all starts the same...it's always bliss. Then...something happens, or nothing happens- and nothing is as it was. There is always the longing for something new...something exciting- A new soul to steal. Who do I blame for this? Myself? Them? Time? Or, does it even matter? I envy those who know true love...with no inhibitions. Here I stand...becoming completely satisfied with who I am. It all starts to blend together...even though I don't want it to. I hate them for this. I want to be naive again...but they took it from me. Bah...the bitter old cat lady- and I don't even like cats:( |
Change
Sunday, February 01, 2009
| "Be the change you want to see in the world." I have bitten off this quote and chewed it, a few times actually. Good ole Gandhi...a man who could say three words, and evoke a lifetime of thought. At first, I simply liked the quote because it sounded like something important. Then, something happened...it hit me like a brick wall. All this time, I had sat back in my home made of glass judging the world and the events taking place...and I never noticed how big of a hypocrite I was. Of course, everyone wants to live in peace and harmony- but what are we really doing to make it happen? When was the last time you opened a door for an elderly person? Fed a stray dog that was starving? Negated your own wants and needs for say....a new pair of shoes and handed a homeless person a 20$? Yes, the homeless person may use it on things that they shouldn't...but I will tell you this, God will never chastise us for being too giving. The more I thought about it...the more I found myself taking time out of my crazy job to sit, and talk to the 85 year old lady with no family and asking her how her day was. I found myself spending more time with my daughters and explaining the importance of loving God, ourselves, our planet, and each other. I found myself not sweating the small stuff anymore...instead, concentrating on the bigger picture. I WANT to be the change I want to see in the world- not for clout or the hope of being acknowledged, but for my daughters. I see things happening every day that scares me to no extent...this is not the world I want my babies to grow up in. If we all take just a little time to appreciate whats important, we won't need a president to promise us change because the change will come from within. |
100$ friend
Monday, January 26, 2009
| Five years...five years I was friend with this girl, we will call her Shanaenae. Over the course of these five years, Shanaenae and I had went through a lot. We had our spats, but always ended up friends in the end. Now, let me paint a picture as to what type of person Shanaenae is. She is a very intense person, what some might call a drama queen. Let her tell it, everyone else is the problem...never her. No matter what the problem, it was never her. She never noticed that the consistent factor in all her problems with people was...her. I dealt with her over bearing, arrogant self because I try to see the best in people. She is the type of person who knows it all, but at the end of the day...doesn't know shit. The type that will tell you what to do in your realtionship, but hasn't had one in her adult life. She will tell you how to raise your kids, but hasn't really ever been around them. The type that will tell you to suck it up when you are sick, but will moan and groan becase she is under the weather. I endured her psycho temper tantrums...I agreed with her when she blamed others even though the problem blantently started with her. Over the years, I gave her money when she was down and out...I talked her though her psycho manic spells...I even gave her a place to live when she was too irresponsible to pay her bills. Living with her was horrible. She made every single person that visited feel uncomfortable, even my mother. My friends stopped visiting because they all thought that she was a bitch. She turned her nose up to any and everyone that I know. We agreed on a price for her to stay, which really only covered the bills that went up while she was here- and 1 month into it, said it was too much and this was what she decided to pay me and asked if it was ok...i mean, what was i supposed to say? She would get mad when my children would be rowdy...even though they had more clout in this home than she did. She brought random men to my house at least 5 times a week, even when my kids were here. After all that, I still managed to deal with her. Then, the last straw was when she went off on me because I wouldn't help her move out- even though I had worked the night before and had taken off specifically to volunteer at my daughter's winter festival. I called her to see how it was going...and she hung up on me- temper tantrum because she went out and got drunk the night before instead of being responsible. Well, I got to thinking...this chick is a fucking bitch. I don't like her, and i really don't want to be around her anymore. So, I stopped talking to her. I digress, during her move- she had offered to buy my TV and I didn't need it so I agreed. She didn't have all the money so she paid me half and agreed to pay me the other half when she got paid next. She had been my friend for years, so I didn't even hesitate. Well, I haven't heard from her since. What makes it even worse is that I was going to use the money she owed me on my kids Christmas. A single, kid free woman that basically stole from a single mother. What kind of person does that? Shanaenae would always speak of stereotypes and how 'white people' put labels on everyone. My thing is this, if you don't want to be stereotyped...then don't be stereotypical. The moral of the story is this...a piece of shit dipped in gold is still a piece of shit under all the shiny outside. With friends like her, who needs enemies? Five years of helping her out and always being there...she negated all of it for 100$. I am sure that in her severly undertreated level of psychosis...this too, like everything else, is my fault. Oh well...I just wish it had of been me that left her ass in Florida. |
Across the Room
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
| In a room full of people, something catches his eye. A glimmer of light, the sparkle in her eyes. He cannot understand why his is unable to look away, yet he is enamored all the same. There is an ambiance, a glow about her that is pleasing on the eyes. Confused and out of sorts, he feels compelled to touch her...to touch her skin, to smell her hair, to hear her voice. With each step, he knows he should go the other way as far and as fast as he can...but he denies his instinct and satiates his impulse. He fumbles his way through the crowded room, passing women equally as beautiful as she- yet his eyes remain on her, never looking away. As he gets closer, he can feel his nerves growing anxious...still fighting the urge to turn away. With her back to him, he touches the bare skin of her shoulder...and it's just as soft as he had imagined. As he turns to him, she looks at him curiously...and he notices that her eyes are the most peculiar color of amber, it almost seems as though they were glowing. He tries to say something, but stumbles over his words. She touches his hand, and smiles...for she knows that he too has been had. Another victim, another man to fall hopelessly for her. To swoon over her existence. Why? She has no clue. She has never understood why these things happen...yet it enthralls her. This game, this never ending thrill of unintentional heartache. She is a vixen in her own right, though she never really meant to be.... |
Color
December 26, 2008
Don't you ever wish you could have some one else's life,
Don't you ever wish you could have some one else's life,
Live someone else's dreams-
Fly someone else's kite?
In the backyard of life, I see those that I know,
Perfectly perfect, it seems-
I see life overflow.
Where the rain ends, and rainbows begin,
It's all right there-
In perfectly perfect pictures of friends.
They smile, they laugh, and it is all so real,
I don't think I am jealous-
I just wish I too could feel.
There is no order here, nothing is at it seems,
I want so much more-
But I just live on borrowed dreams.
Sandcastles, as high as my eyes can see,
Fairytale romances-
It's all right there, but not me.
I can see it; it all seems so real,
But what good is seeing-
When you can see, but can't feel?
I want to paint myself in,
To these photos, these still frames of life-
I want to paint myself laughter…
I want to paint my life right.
Pretend to smile long enough to save it,
To forget that I had to fake it-
Just once, to feel I'm more than simply making it…
Alas, there are no colors left,
Only white and black…
If I could live for just a moment out of gray,
I would take the color back.
No Day but Today
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
| When the night is right, or wrong- I think of him, of all that he knows of me. I think about two kindred spirits that just never were...but perhaps should have been. I never knew how to tell him...what he was, what it all meant. I never knew how to tell him that he was more than I ever said. How do you explain to someone that something so right just happened at the wrong time? I am nothing that he thought i was, but more than what he sees. When my heart was jaded...i saw something in him that made me turn away. I wasn't ready, not to give in...not that soon. Time after time, I turned to him...and he was always there. Yet, the one time I needed him...I couldn't find him anywhere. Some days, I blame it on fate, on the stars. Other days, I blame it on me...on them...on situations. In the end, it is what it is...and we are as we are. Not together, but never apart. |
Boys...
Current mood:
drained The thing about boys is that they never learn. They redundantly make mistakes until all that they have is gone. It's all about getting the one-up...who screws over whom first. When do the games end and love begin? When can someone like me give in? The thing is...I really never get hurt per say, I just lose hope each time some ridiculous boy thinks that he is irreplaceable. I think i have determined my problem...I need a man, not a boy. I need someone with whom I can find solace, refuge from the storm. A humble man, who has nothing left to prove...one that is okay with who he is. I stumble on these jumbled messes of men...and try to fix them, as I see potential. I try to help them, to make them into something that not only I can respect...but that the rest of the world can respect as well. Alas, one cannot fix what is broken unless it can be mended. One can not love the unlovable until the unlovable recognizes their own demons. One cannot help another be who they need to be, unless that person longs to be more than what they are and have more that what they have. I give...and I give...and I give, but for what? What do I gain from all this? Well, I would like to say that it will make me appreciate something real when I see it...but I don't think that is the case. I have watched many suns rise and set on my relationships...I can always see dusk when it is close. I want to be a part of something real, something tangible...but I am not willing to allow my integrity to be lapsed. I am who i am..with or without love, I will remain- broken for a bit, but whole in the end. Him? Where will he be? In a crowd, in a heap, in the background with kindred souls....he will be where all those who are like him go. I don't know where it is, because when I turn my back...I never look over my shoulder. I digress, from what I have gathered...this place is one of remorse. The thing about boys...? They never know what they have until she is so far gone that her scent is all that lingers....
Obama
What a generation to be alive...right? Monumental historical moments...and my generation has been a part of all of it. An African American president...? I never would have thought. Now, I won't pretend that I have always been an O'bama fan...thank the Lord Sarah Palin showing me that way, lol. What I will say is this...watching the worlds reaction to our election last night, let alone our reaction at home...was just, well...humbling. We are a nation that has always been looked to for solace, for refuge...and unfortunately over the past 8 years...we lost that reputation. I won't blame it totally on our president, as he is just a figure head...but I will give equal blame to his cabinet. The truth of the matter is this...yes, the past 8 years have sucked- not just for Americans, but for everyone. It's time to let the past go and look to the future.
When listening to President-elect O'bama's speach last night...I got cold chills and began to cry. I cannot imagine how it feels to be him right now...how proud he must be. The underdog, the minority, the left wing liberal...won against all odds. He won despite the unintelligent bigots who defamed his character without listening to anything that he had to say...they just didn't like him because he is an "N" bomb.
With that being said, he has so much class that he addressed those who didn't approve of him in his acceptance speach by saying that he would strive for their approval and will still be a president with all of America's best interest at hand. I took that as he wouldn't be the president that allows an entire communinty to suffer because they are poor and don't generally vote for his party (ie President Bush and the New Orleans/Katrina fiasco).
Yesterday, I prayed before I entered the voting booth. I prayed that I would make the best decision for myself, my children, and my country. I am totally proud of the decision I made..even though my vote wasn't all the pertinent. I made sure that when I went to vote, that I took my daughters with me. I made sure to explain to them how important this election was...and how important it is to ALWAYS exercise one's right to vote. Kailey asked me why we got to vote...and I told her because we are Americans and we are blessed with more than we will ever realize.
When listening to President-elect O'bama's speach last night...I got cold chills and began to cry. I cannot imagine how it feels to be him right now...how proud he must be. The underdog, the minority, the left wing liberal...won against all odds. He won despite the unintelligent bigots who defamed his character without listening to anything that he had to say...they just didn't like him because he is an "N" bomb.
With that being said, he has so much class that he addressed those who didn't approve of him in his acceptance speach by saying that he would strive for their approval and will still be a president with all of America's best interest at hand. I took that as he wouldn't be the president that allows an entire communinty to suffer because they are poor and don't generally vote for his party (ie President Bush and the New Orleans/Katrina fiasco).
Yesterday, I prayed before I entered the voting booth. I prayed that I would make the best decision for myself, my children, and my country. I am totally proud of the decision I made..even though my vote wasn't all the pertinent. I made sure that when I went to vote, that I took my daughters with me. I made sure to explain to them how important this election was...and how important it is to ALWAYS exercise one's right to vote. Kailey asked me why we got to vote...and I told her because we are Americans and we are blessed with more than we will ever realize.
Sometimes....i think
Monday, November 03, 2008
| Sometimes...I think. I think about what was, what is, and what will be. I used to think that there was some truth to these thoughts...but as time reveals, it's mostly speculation. I strive to be the best that I can...the best mother, the best lover, the best friend- yet I always somehow find myself falling short. I have loved, and I have lost...usually on my own account. I digress, there are those few...those numbered few, that walked away without thinking twice. Mostly, I didn't so much care about them as I did the idea that they didn't care about me. Yet, there was one...he may be hypothetical, but probably not- that I just didn't understand. He chased me, for years...he tried- but I turned away from him, because that is what I do. He chased and he chased and he chased...and finally, I got tired of running. I gave in...and it was bliss. Every moment with him was something that I will never forget...some bad, but mostly good. Time stood still while I laid in his arms. He made me want something better...something more than the random collection of men of whom I had grown so fond of. Suddenly, everything changed...no reason, no excuse, no blame. There I stood...not really heartbroken, but just unable to grasp what had just happened. When everything seemed so right, how did things go so wrong? I didn't ask for this...I kept him at bay- I didn't want a relationship...this was what he said that he wanted, I fought it...yet his persistence wore me down. Now, after all that has gone .. so many nights of endless conversations about everything and nothing, this is what I am left with? After longing for him, even when I didn't want to and avoiding it all until the last possible minute...where is he now? What did I do...? What did I miss...? What this all a facade...? Did this mean nothing to him...? Now, I have realized...it wasn't me. It was the thrill, the chase, the unknown. I was something intangible...and when I gave that up- there was nothing left. Nothing left to wonder about...nothing left to long for. I think I understand... some people are destined to never fall in love. There are some that are perfectly content with the idea of bouncing from person to person...but never feeling a thing. Do I hate him? No...I couldn't...on the inside, somewhere...is a decent man, an honorable man. All the potential in the world rests in his soul. He was a good friend when I needed him...he talked me through some of the hardest times of my life- and for that, I am forever thankful. People serve their purpose in our lives as God sees it fit...and his was to allow me to see things from a different perspective. Because of him, I found that I still had the ability to feel...and I was afraid that I had lost that. I wish that things could have been different...but wishes are what they are- and the reality of it is this...sometimes you hit, sometimes you miss. I miss him. I miss his voice. I miss his smile. I miss the anticipation of when we again see one another. Oddly, I knew the last time I stayed with him...would be the last time I stayed with him. I knew our last kiss...would be our last kiss. I think of him from time to time...what could have been, what time could have allowed. I could have given him the best of me...but in the end, it is what it is. We are who we are...and sometimes, our timing is completely off. I hope he knows that I think of him often, and I hope he knows that there will always be a special place in my heart just for him. |
November 4th
Monday, October 27, 2008
| Current mood:humored So, in case you haven't heard...there is an election coming up, lol. Honestly, I am sick to death with hearing about the whole thing...yet I am almost obsessed with it as well. It really has become a three ring circus. When the nominees were first chosen...I was going to vote for McCain. No, I am not a republican- I just really don't like Obama all that much. Now with that being said, despite the assumption that lots of African-americans have...it's not because I am white and he is black- it's simply because I thought that he was full of shit. Then...something happened. A little thing called the VP debate...or as I like to call it, the beginning of the three ring circus. Sarah Palin...wow, really? Of all the women in politics in the U.S.- she was the most suited for the job? This ex-pageant queen that does the wink and the gun thing....that said 'you betcha' and 'darn right' during a nationally televised debate that was basically her VP debute? It leaves me vexed...was McCain smoking crack during the decision making process? Sarah Palin is a fucktard...she is an embarassement to women. I could ramble on relentlessly about just how bad she sucks- but even I have exhausted myself with her stupidity. Instead, I will say this...congrats hockey mom, you swayed my vote back to the donkey- ironically, because you made an ass of yourself. Think of it this way...McCain is old, anything could happen to him at any time (God forbid) and if in fact it does happen, Sarah Palin will be the one holding the reigns- and that, my friends, is fucking frightening. She governs a state comprised mostly of ice and moose, lets keep it that way. The less she is responsible for the better. Now, I will say that her fucktardation peaked my interest in the Obama/Biden campaign...and I am now pretty content and confident in Senator Obama's ability to run a country. I'm poor, so...really, I could't afford another republican anyway. |
Home again....
Monday, October 20, 2008
| Current mood: melancholy A familiarity that I cannot describe. I miss home. I miss my friends, I miss my family- I miss my momma. I did the whole Madison thing...I moved away to bigger things...I have established a half way decent life, yet...I'm wanting to go back to the start. I miss the smell in the Fall. I miss walking down the street and having people ask me how my parents are. I miss the culture...the uberly backwards way of life. After trying to be as such, I have deduced that I am not a city girl. I miss bonfires and beer. A place where as cliche as it sounds...everybody knows your name, and your business...lol- but I don't care. I figure, if I am important enough to talk about- then my life is worth living. I want to spend more time with my sistas...the women that I have known since birth. I want our children to know each other as we did. I want them our kids) to see that real friendship endures...as my homies and I have been friends since we were 4. There is something to be said about going home again...and dammit- I'm going to do it. |
Twin Flames
ednesday, October 15, 2008
| Current mood:  indescribable To ease my soul... candle lit solace. Looking over the glow- to see him glowing. A glass of wine- but it's my heart that's full. Music that I hear, alas, it's my pulses rhythm. Breathing him deeply- I'm asphyxiated with love. Giggling over nothing. Gazing into something- I could dance with him forever. He looks me in my eyes, as tired as they are- and tells me he loves me... Now, amidst all the other times I've heard it- I feel his words run through my veins. Pushing my hair from my eyes, he touches my face- His kiss takes my breath, Realization takes it's place- as I dance with the mate to my soul. |
A Moment....
Current mood:
numb Trust no one...feel nothing, and this is where I stand. I'm battered, I'm torn, I'm confused, and honestly, I question whether I will survive all of this madness...AKA my life. To whom do I turn? Who could possibly understand what I am dealing with right now? I feel like my identity is out the window....that I am stuck in survival mode, merely doing the motions. Silly fuckers...you mope over the dumbest things- while I have to worry if my children are going to bed hungry while they are at their father's house. I have to worry about who exactly he is allowing around my children. I have to worry if he is doing drugs around them. I know that most would think...why do I allow him to have them then? Well, the answer is this...if he doesn't keep them- I can't work. If I can't work, then I cannot take care of my children, or keep a roof over their heads. I can't even depend on the minuscule piece of change that he is supposed to give me now. I keep praying that things will get better, that I will finally be able to breathe after all these years...but alas, the problems worsen. His lack of responsibility heightens...and where am I? Cleaning up his messes. Working 60 hours a week to suffice for what he cannot do. Trying to explain to my daughters why their father doesn't play with them, why he doesn't talk to them- I had to try and save face the other day when my four year old asked me why her daddy doesn't love her anymore. What do I say to that? How can I protect her from feeling the pain that she is rightfully allowed to feel? How can I EVER convey to him how big of a piece of shit he really is? Breathe in, breathe out...and Im going to pray for strength...for wisdom...for courage. I beg for understanding from those who try to love me...as my cynicism and distrust for him bleeds out to all that I know. Why can't this be different? Why does it have to be so fucking hard? My heart aches for my girls...I feel it's my fault in some odd way. Like I am not doing my part to protect them...like I am failing them in some fashion. I just want to wake up from this nightmare...and for everything to be okay again. I'm tired of feeling like I am falling apart...I just want to breathe.
The Scientist
Tuesday, September 09, 2008
| Current mood:  hopeful Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry ********************************************************* Mistakes, how do we prevent them...who do we blame? Can we forgive for the better of what could be? My soul...i thought was breaking, like something was being extracted from my body. When all i wanted to do was just walk away...the thought of life without him left me vexed. So many times in life, I have played the role of a cynic...even when i really didnt want to. I have never met anyone that i couldnt walk away from. Alas, I turn around and see the other half of me. I know it, but i dont know what to do with it. What do you do when in your heart you know that your destiny lies within a person whom has betrayed you and dissapointed you to such an extent? The expectations are beyond what anyone can understand. I saw his pain as he watched me choke back tears that I never planned on allowing him to see. I tried so hard to be strong, to do me- to show nothing but apathy. After all, I am melissa- no one breaks me down, right? The thing is, i know....and he knows...this is way bigger than either of us had planned. When letting the other down means letting yourself down. What do i do with this? How can I make this not hurt so bad? How can I justify forgiving someone who has hurt me so badly? How can I not look so nieve? So I think, and I pray...and I think some more- and still...i come up with the notion that everything I have ever felt before was nothing compared to what I feel today. I turn on my radio...and I hear the Scientist...and I realize- I have to take it back to the start. We are all simple humans, despite what IQ or degrees we possess. We make mistakes...we do things that dont even make sense to us. Prime example is my willingness to look past everything for the better of what I know will someday be. Nobody said it was easy...nobody said it would be so hard- but im going back to the start. |
Take a Bow
Monday, September 08, 2008
| Current mood: ashamed The truth, there really isnt such a thing. All that we know is a facade that is renditioned from one person to the next. To be so entirely misjudged, yet misjudging things myself the entire time. Words are fucking cheap...nothing more than an illusion. I could tell you that i am Nefertiti...but im not- yet, my free will would allow me to try to convince another of such nonsence. Love? meh....there really isnt such a thing. Its all a race, who can hurt whom first. Let me beat you to the punch a fuck up everything that could have been perfect...basically just because i can. Why? who knows, it seems like something to do. They are just emotions after all, right? What are a few tears...? What is one more heartache...? What is the entire negation that anyone will ever make you feel the way he did.....? Silly girl, dont you know that you were a pawn? Just another stupid, silly, girl...that fell for sweet words and a bit of charm. He told you not to- but you did anyway....and then he incognitivly decided that it wasnt enough...or perhaps too much. What are you to do now? Well...hurt. Its okay. Those tears that are obstructing the computer screen of which you are rambling...let them flow. You deserve to allow yourself this. You do love him after all....even though he couldnt conceive of what you felt. You thought he did, he said he did...he said he would never do this to you- but he did. And here you sit, head in hands....unable to catch your breath. So what if your stomach is aching like someone is stabbing you....so what if your chest is so tight that you can't even take in a real breath....so what if the rest of your body has no feeling right now...it was all worth it, wasnt it? He didnt mean to hurt you...thats what he said. It was an accident. He didnt mean to totally forget the fact that he loves you and try to endeavor in another situation...something MUST have happened to cause this. Maybe he was posessed, maybe he was sleep talking, maybe...just maybe....all that he ever told you was a lie and you never mattered to begin with- you were someone strong that he needed to conquer. Maybe...just maybe...he wont even remember who you are tomorrow- and you will become lucky number 5...as it was so delicately put and one point. Stupid girl...you should have know- love just isnt for you...now, go look at yourself in the mirror and repeat over and over again...you will spend your life alone, you will spend your life alone. No, no, no, no....he wasnt really your soulmate, it was all some meretricous mission....none of it was real. You were watching a play, starring you....and look at you- with tears streaking your face...holding your side...you would do anything to make this stop hurting at this point- see, you ARE the leading actress. Everyone believes it- even you. You threw yourself in this role...perhaps you will win an Emmy for really feeling something where nothing stood. Maybe there will be a sequel, maybe you will let him back in and it will all end happily ever after- or, maybe you will hurt all over again.... |
And still i am ok...
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
| Inhale, exhale...and I am okay- as I watch the memories slowly fade away. In the right light, things weren't as they seemed- though it all felt so real, it was only a dream. Melodic words, though they fell on deaf ears... There was beauty seen through the plethera of tears. I could have sworn I knew him, I could have sworn he cared... I almost swear, to him, my soul, I bared. Alas, this masquerade...his words vacant, otiose- He had nothing to say, yet still was verbose... In the right light...we see as we please, Trying to pervade our voids to find what may need. This facade, this meretricious parade of emotions... I believed it, I believed in something where nothing was. Him...with his delusive, translucent manner- Oblivious to all that surrounds him... I know he knows...his nothingness, his inability to feel- No amount of narcissism will ever make his mendacity real. Despite him, despite all that I felt, all I needed to say, Inhale, exhale, ...and I am still okay. |
Analyze This...
Monday, August 25, 2008
Life changing events...they happen every day. We dont recognize them at the time, but yet, they are everpresent. When you're me...you think. That is just what you do. I sit back...and look at everything- i analyze things to the point where the words run together...and it all starts to sound foreign. I dont know, im tired...and that doesnt help. Im a cynic...not by choice, but because i have had to be to survive. When all you see are thorns...all you have felt are thorns...are your eyes even able to adjust long enough to see a rose? Mistaken, i have been many times before- for someone who is just there...someone who just breathes. I think i understand...as sometimes my complexity even confuses me. I have never believed in whimsical tales of knights in shining armour...i have never believed i could look at another and see something that reflects myself. Believing is seeing...but is seeing believing? Can the truth yell at you...but you still don't hear a word? People dont believe in God...but He is still there. I have always said I didnt believe in love...or at least not in the way its depicted by some...alas, i find myself questioning all that i have ever thought. Then, i turn around...and ask myself...is this all a facade? Have I been bambooseled? Moreso...have I even fooled myself? Is it really possible for me of all people to find something where nothing stands? Is it really even feasible for me to think I am capable of any of this...? My conclusion....I need sleep...desperately.
Hate on it
Sunday, August 17, 2008
| Current mood:  content
This quote is stemmed from the notion that there has been some notable Melissa hating lately. If someone chooses to not like me...I understand, not everyone is perfect, lol:)...but at least get your facts straight so you have a reason to do so. Hate me because I am a good person at heart, and people tend to think that I am congenial and enjoy being around me. Hate me because I have a true passion for life and all that it entails. Hate me because I have lived through hell and back, and am still standing with a smile. Hate me because I am a child of God and no one can EVER take that from me. Hate me because I am successful and have aquired two degrees while raising two magnificent girls on my own. Hate me because instead of holding my hand out waiting for it to be filled...I work my ass off for what I want. Hate me because I make sure that my children want for nothing. Hate me because I dont need anyone, but God, to help me with anything in life. Hate me because I purchased my own home at 22 years old and have maintained it...on my own, since then. Hate me because my daughters think that I am the greatest mom on earth..and will openly tell anyone that I am their best friend:) Hate me because I am beautiful, on both the outside AND in. Hate me because I exude happiness from every inch of my body. Hate me because I am self assured. Hate me because I am confident. Hate me because I am strong and determined and will only become more successful as God leads me through this journey of life. Hate me because I am a force to be reckoned with. Hate me because my family always comes first. Hate me because I am blessed to the fullest extent of the word. Hate me because I have a great number of TRUE friends that I love like family. Hate me because not only is my job financially beneficial for me..but I also LOVE what I do and I usually look forward to it every day. Hate me because I am divorced and was strong enough to survive it. Hate me because every single assumption that you have of me, who I am, what I believe, and what I stand for is dead wrong. Hate me because I fit no stereotype. Hate me because I am a survivor. Hate me because I don't hate you...I truly feel sorry for you and hope that someday, you find the same peace that I have. Hate me because I am lucky enough to have found a man who sees all the good in me...and knows just how lucky he is. Hate me because I plan on keeping him:) If it makes you feel better about yourself...keep on hating me...because there isnt a person on this earth that can take my joy. Most of all...hate me because I am everything you just can't be. |
Seasons of Love
Thursday, August 14, 2008
| Current mood: enlightened In life...we love, and if we are lucky, we fall in love. What we do with that love is the key to our happiness. The fact of the matter is...with love, sometimes we hit and sometimes we miss. Not every endeavor can be a win, it just can't. Sometimes we hurt, sometimes we hurt others...and no one really understands why. I digress...what doesn't kill us can make us stronger...or it can make us bitter....it's all how strong of a person one is. As I grow older....i learn, sometimes the easy way- but mostly the hard way. I have learned that all the love in the world cannot make another free willed individual love you back. Do you risk it and let yourself go...or do you keep yourself veiled from what could be? Well...i have learned to be cautious...but i refuse to be bitter. When the Autumn of love comes...and everything is dying- how do you know when to let go? A particular situation that i have experienced recently has led me to this blog. A young woman...with whom i have never spoken...messages me because i am now dating her ex-bf/baby father. Normally, under these circumstances...especially in the condescending manner of which she spoke to me...I would have went off and put this young lady in her place- but i didnt. I realized that it had nothing to do with me. How do you let go when you love someone so deeply and they simply dont love you back? It sucks...I'm sure. I haven't experienced this, but i have been the one on the other side of the fence. I have been with a few men that loved me, but i just didnt love them back. It isnt because i didnt want to...or because i was being malicious- i simply didnt feel the way that they did. And, as people who are hurt often do...they lashed out and spoke ill of me and told the world what a terrible person that I was- but Im not terrible...Im just not one to fall in love easily. The thing is, i felt bad...each and every time that it has happened- but you can't make yourself fall in love...just as you can't make another love you. My heart went out to this young woman...for some reason. I can't imagine how painful it must be to love someone...with such admiration, with such desperation...that they contact a complete stranger with the sole intention to defame the name of the person with whom they are so enamored...obsessed even. I know that the man in question feels bad about all of it, he has told me. There comes a point though...where one has to recognize that if someone doesnt love you...an they stay around because they pity you- that the entire meaning of love and what it stands for is negated. When love grows cold...sometimes you just have to let go. Sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can come together. I feel so blessed that in my lifetime...one of the greatest things i have learned is the art of letting go. People have seasons in our lives...they serve their purpose....then we move on, or we don't. If someone is able to walk away from you...then let them. It obviously wasnt the right time or place for what you had with them. Dont allow the bitterness to take hold...because at that point, you begin to distance yourself from the whole notion of ever feeling love from another. Life is a recurrent series of seasons...you just have to recognize the ebb and flow of each season and how it affects your life and those that you love. I have realized in my 26 years on earth...that i am worth loving, i am worth knowing, i am a good person, and i am just as beautiful on the inside as i am on the out. I know that someone, if they havent already, will recognize the good in me and will love and respect me, the way I deserve. If not...then my mastered art of letting go will once again be utilized...no questions asked. With that being said...I know that my soul mate is lurking somewhere close to me...and when it all comes to surface- we will spend our seasons from that point, not only the good, but the bad as well... together:) |
Mom
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
| Today, my friends, was my oldest little angels first day of school...and i became that mom. You know the one that i speak of...the blubbering mess of tears that you look at and think...what a schmuck. Oh yea, that was me...lol. I didnt let her see me cry, because she was having a tough enough time...but as soon as i walked out that kindergarten room and left my baby sitting old school indian style on the floor..i freakin lost it. My baby, my sweet little girl...who i swear was just in diapers and saying mama and dada for the first time...is growing up. Too fast if you ask me. I know that she has to do this...and so will Lyze...but i dont have to like it. I looked in her big brown eyes and saw the same little baby that used to depend on me for her every need...and now...she is a big girl...with her pretty new first day of school dress, and her new high school musical backpack....eager to meet new people, learn new things, and become independant. She is ready, but I'm not. I just want them to stay little forever...and they cant. So far, this is the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with as a mom, and yes...i know it will only get worse. I digress, i am allowing myself tears right now...as i type even. I used to look at mothers, before i had kids, and think to myself...gheeze you crazy mom..pull yourself together- they are kids dude, they grow up...thats what they do. Well, payback is terrible- because today...i became that mom...streaked mascara and all. It was so bad that the principle of the school stopped me to tell me that it was going to be okay. Lol...im such a mom. |
My girls
Monday, August 04, 2008
| Current mood:  loved Today, i woke up- as i do every day...and saw the most beautiful thing(s) in the world... my two little princesses. I snuck out of my room and stood outside the door without their knowledge...and listened. They truly are the most amazing little girls. They are so pretty, and so intelligent...their cognitive ability is second to no other child i have ever met. I never knew that I could be so selflessly in love...they fill me to the brim with every emotion that one could feel. Looking at them makes me think that no matter how hard things can get...it really isnt all that bad. All I need in this life is their sweet little faces. They really are the best of me...and I mean that in every sence of the phrase. Kailey is quirky and odd...but in a way that will make her a CEO of a company one day, or a famous artist, or something of such magnitude. She is destined for success, i see it in her eyes. She has a thirst for knowledge that is NEVER quenched...and though her questions sometimes make me crazy...I know that its only because she wants to know EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING (wonder where she gets that?, lol) Now Elyza, lol...she is a case. She has this killer personality...the kid literally cracks me up on a daily basis. My mother has told me...several times...that she is my minion. I believe her...she argues like me, she is stubborn like me, she is a flirt like me:)...she even sings. They both do actually. Its so amazing to see my characteristics living through these sweet little girls. Im not saying that all of the qualities that i have passed on are good ones, lol....but I think for the most part...my daughters are perfect in every sense of the word. I never knew that I could find love, friendship, solace all in two little midgets:) They make me want to be a better person...they make me want to battle all the evil in the world...they make me...me, completely. I can only pray that God gives me the knowledge and ability to do them justice...and i thank Him daily for deaming me worthy of being the mother of two angels:) |
A Change will do me good
Sunday, August 03, 2008
Sometimes in life, when you think that you have it all figured out- everything just changes...in the blink of an eye. Sometimes its good, sometimes it isn't. Just when i could have sworn that I knew what I wanted out of my life...it all changed. You see, I tried to fight it at first- i denied all of it, because i didnt think i was ready. I pushed the situation aside and pretended like it didnt exist- as relationships normally scare the holy fucking shit out of me. I told him that I didnt want to talk to him anymore...but found that that decision made me think about him even moreso. I tried to walk away from it, and it worked...for a while- but then eventually, as if by some form of magnetism- I turned around to find that i was right back where i had first started...dumbfounded...but enamored all the same. I sat back and found myself excited about all of it, which is so odd to me...completely different than all that i have known before. How does something so new, feel so comfortable? Strangely, im not nervous...I have no qualms...Im not afraid- it just feels...comfortable. I always go with my intuition...and things are just different this time. The conversations, the interests, the passions...are almost eerily parallel. I find myself watching him sleep, hoping that morning is staved off forever. Is it love? Well...of course not, lol. Things are only blossoming at this point. It is...exciting...and new...and slightly confusing, but in a good way- it is what it is...and that is just fine with me:) I will say this...with every conversation, I long to know more- about him and all that is entailed...it's almost like a good book- I cant help but anticipate the next chapter...
Closing Time
Current mood:bowchickawowow
Breath
Current mood:
drained What do you do when everything seems to go wrong and the only consistency you have left is inconsistency? Who do you turn to when all that you trust are no where to be found? How can you believe anything when all that you have known as truth is, in fact, a lie? How can you possibly be able to deny your cynisism when your instinct hasnt failed you yet? Yet, here i stand...watching it all fall apart- empty handed, weary, and frayed. I keep trying to catch my footing...alas the ground crumbles beneath my feet. This glamorous disaster...this mess of my life- I'm not sure where things went wrong, and I'm even more uncertain how to start over. In this life, only the strong survive...and my strength is diminishing daily. I sit back, praying for a break...just one thing to make it all tolerable and worth while...and just as i am about to breathe- there is no air. Yet another constant that is no more. At what point do i give up the fight...at what point do i stop caring? It is what it is....and right now, it's a mess that no one knows, that no one hears, that no one sees. I bare my crosses alone...as i always have, as i always will.
From the mind of a vixen
Current mood:
hopeful To look past this facade you all see..
to see that beauty isnt all its said to be;
inside i long for truth and time,
for someone who truly longs to be mine-
catastophically positioned, as i deny myself,
what i truly could feel-
though there is nothing i've felt.
To love me, to try and understand...
that though i may not show it-
i long for your hand;
to help me, to stablize my vertigo-
im willing to negate all that i know.
For a moment to feel-
to know that sometimes, love is real.
Though i have denied love so much,
my truth, the longing in my touch-
to feel anything at all....
alas, i stumble towards the door-
hoping you follow me, safely.
Trust that though i do not show,
my love for you questions all i know.
My love deeply rooted, inexistant almost-
but everpresent none the less.
Be patient, understand...
this pain forces me to deny your hand-
and i smell you as i lie my head,
while dreaming of life with you in my bed.
I Am...
I am better than you.
I am stronger than this.
I am more than anyone ever expected.
I am a mother.
I am a lover.
I am a friend.
I am a moment away from losing control.
I am the one who can keep it together.
I am off key.
I am indepth.
I am a star.
I am a miracle.
I am a thinker.
I am an old soul.
I am unable to cry, even when i really want to.
I am a poet.
I am a dreamer.
I am a masochist.
I am confused.
I am omnicient.
I am apologetic.
I am love.
I am hate.
I am the truth.
I am unable to understand myself.
I am able to understand others.
I am a goddess.
I am aching to feel.
I am afraid to let myself go.
I am sporadic.
I am random.
I am beautiful.
I am one who has hurt.
I am one who has been hurt.
I am fiesty.
I am a drinker.
I am nothing i thought i would be.
I am everything i thought i couldnt.
I am impatient.
I am lost.
I am in love.
I am out of love, nothing left.
I am melodic.
I am a cynic.
I am the one no one gets.
I am Melissa.
I am , that i am.
Peace Be with Me
Peace be within me,
as i stagger away from the storm.
Bruised, battered, bleeding-
alas, i am calm.
The harsh words, slit my skin like knives,
as i watched the truth bleed out...
and nothing was as it seemed-
but my eyes, they are tired from crying.
Dampered, i knew that my scars showed,
illuminated in the dark-
for those who cared to see...
I tried to hide them, from the world.
Silently, I stood back,
breathing all of it in...
the truth,my life,my pain,the lies,these tears-
so i could understand the path i had led.
And as the air touched my lips,
i held it all in...the truth, my pain, your lies...
and i exhaled, i exhaled with all my might.
so that there was nothing left inside me-
i choked as i gasped for the truth.
And i let it go, the past...and all that held me back.
All that i have known of pain-
the scars....still here...but different now,
I hide them not, they remind me-
of you, of me, of life and all that i have learned.
And as i stagger, painfully at times....
still i go, towards the light and what is new-
wiping the tears from my eyes.
Peace be within me...
The bitterness i know no more.
Beautiful Stranger
Beautiful stranger, I know so well-
As I study him from across the room.
Someone that could have been so much,
Is nothing more than just another;
I am perplexed by his complexity-
By his coy disinterest in me;
And how he looks when I am not looking-
Pretending that I am not here.
How could someone so insignificant-
Resonate so deeply in my mind?
How can I find solace for my pain-
When this stranger was never mine;
Yet I dabble in the thought of him,
Time and time again-
Alas, never really understanding,
Because we were never even friends;
I feel so foolish for feeling this way,
For a man that I don't even know-
But he intrigues me, enamors even,
I am almost humorously confused.
Nervously, I have looked in his eyes-
And my pulse raced, and I lost words,
All that I tried to say….
Lost in the deep blue nothing-
There wasn't anything I could say.
I smiled, I nodded-
I turned, I walked away.
This beautiful stranger could never understand-
To have me vexed, at the mercy of a man…
Is something that through the course of my life-
Has been attempted time and time again;
And so beautiful stranger, I bid you adieu,
And wonder someday if you'll not be so strange.
Maybe you'll allow yourself my mystery-
Maybe someday, you will feel the same.
Fuckers...
I have a job, a decent job- in order to get that job....i had to take a drug test- which i also don't mind because i work at a hospital and most people don't want some addict taking care of them or their family members...no big deal- i dont do drugs. With that being said....every paycheck, Uncle Sam rapes me. He doesn't wine me or dine me...just sticks it right on in. No foreplay even. So okay- I am an American, paying taxes is part of it...okay. A huge portion, usually around 600-800$ go to Federal taxes which help to fund government aid such as welfare, Ktap...etc, etc, etc....fine. Here is the problem though- there are some that genuinely need help- i understand that...but then there are the others. I know a girl PERSONALLY who got knocked up for a THIRD time, with no job...just so the government would give her more money and a bigger place to stay. Second problem...the wench stays home all day every day and smokes herself fucking stupid while I, the tax payer- work my ass off. If I have to take a drug test for my money- then why the fuck doesn't she? It only makes sense. I mean- i dont care who does drugs or who doesnt...if you are employed and you can afford it?...then fine- do what u do. Or, if you dont have a job and you DON'T collect government money....even better. I digress, i have physically heard this girl with my own fucking ears say- i can't wait until next week when my check comes so that I can buy a bag....WTF? My proposal the US government who is now in debt like 400 gazillion dollars due to the great leadership from our great president -.SAVE some fucking money and piss these system sucking lazy assholes- they arent gonna quit and they can't afford the shit that cleans your system out....Listen- i think that i am onto something. Quit fucking people like me at the gas pump and trim the fat in other places....
And THIS ladies and gentlemen if what the fuck is wrong with the world today- or at least one of the catalysts....
And THIS ladies and gentlemen if what the fuck is wrong with the world today- or at least one of the catalysts....
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