kissed by a rose on the gray...

No blacks, no whites...just gray. Here is where I stand...in the gray. Could this really be? After succeeding in spite of hurdles...after surviving my life- I am gray? I am 27. In all honestly, I should be proud of myself. I am not. I feel like I have failed myself, my daughters. I could be so much more than what I am . It wasn't meant for me to be a drone. To work my ass off for 'the man'. I should be in the lime light...it's where I have always belonged. I had so many blessings...and I threw them away. When I was growing up...I dreamed so big. I wanted to be a pediatrician...when did I lose sight of that? I remember...it's when I turned down scholarship after scholarship. I am so angry at myself. I can't say I wish I could turn back time...because Kailey and Elyza (despite their assfuck of a father) are my first, my last, my everything. Even still...I feel I should be able to do more for them. I feel I have done them a disservice by not living up to my potential. Ahh the things we do for love...or at least what we think is love. I mean...really? Can anyone tell me what love is supposed to feel like? I've no passion for it anymore. I used to...but you can only beat someone so many times before they start to flinch. Here I stand...gray, and flinching. lol...Satyrically comical. Sigh...my life- a dark fucking comedy...starring me. I want a love like Gomez and Morticia. Quirkily misunderstood...but real love. I know they were fictional characters...but to think that a man could be so chivalrous is a beautiful thought. What happened to chivalry anyway? Why is it that men of this generation only love after they have lost. Time after time...love always happens at different intervals. Why is it that a man has to drag me to Hell before knowing he loves me? By the time they realize it...I have already lost interest. Present 'relationship' included. Michael is a good man...but fucked up. Way passed anything I can begin to decypher. I know he loves me...despite his ways. He has been good for a while now...I think being homeless for two weeks helped that. I digress...I don't feel the same. I am not attracted to him anymore...he made himself the enemy. No matter how hard I try...I will never feel as I once did for him. Sigh...and so is life. With this being said...I lose the blacks and the whites- there is no definition anymore. My love, my hate, my angst, my desire...it used to be so defined, so extreme, so passionate. Now...mediocrity is my creed. Gray...FML.

So that was Christmas...

What a melancholy day...with the passing of my uncle, things just weren't the same. Don't get me wrong, having the girls home and watching them tear through their stuff was fun...and going home to Grandma and Grandpa's was awesome. It was just so hard to be joyful when I knew what my Aunt must have been going through. It has been such a tumultuous week with the girls being sick, then Michael, then my uncle's passing. Sigh, I feel like it all just blew by. Anyway...the girls and Gabriel got all kinds of goodies. Kailey and Lyza were upset that Gabriel didn't get to open his till the next day. They didn't understand why his wasn't wrapped.../rolls eyes...evidently Michael's Santa doesn't wrap. Michael can be so fickle about the silliest of things. Christmas with the family was bittersweet...but we mustered through. The girls got tons of clothes from my family...not many toys per my request:) I got a new pea coat from my mom along with some super awesome costume jewelry. Kailey made me an ornament...which made me cry. Michael gave me a kick ass purse that I hadn't noticed that he saw me eyeballing...which was a nice surprise. The most fun was seeing the reactions of the kids. The girls both got the scooters that they HAD to have, along with tons of clothes. Kailey's were all black, as she informed me that she is 'Goth' now :) We had our immediate family Christmas saturday at my house...which is always my favorite. Kailey got a Karaoke machine (which made her psuedo pass out, lol. Lyza got her Dora Links doll that she had been raving about.(both from mawmaw) Gabriel got a truck shaped case with about 30 cars inside, along with some new clothes...and Santa is ordering him his own rocking chair with his name on it so that he doesn't have to sneak into the girls' chairs. I can't complain I guess...I just wish that something tragic didn't have to happen every year.
Now that Christmas is over...it's business as usual. I am having surgery tentatively on Jan. 22...if the insurance and my doctor can collaborate. This has me super stressed bc I am worried about finances. Oh well...guess it is what it is. Good thing I have faith...otherwise I may lose my mind, lol.

Until next time....

In loving memory...

In loving memory...

Letting go...in so many aspects, is so hard to do. Whether it be letting go of our past, letting go of a loved one...our whatever it is to which we are attached. There is never an easy way to move on, but we have to. Yesterday, I lost my uncle...William Howard Long. This man dedicated his life to serving Christ, being a dedicated family man, and spent 40+ years protecting our safety as a Sheriff. His wife, who is one of the kindest most gentle people I have ever met, was so peaceful. She said it was God's will...she held his hand and told him it was okay to go. It was at that point I became envious of her strength. To be so sure of something, to have such rich faith...faith in God, faith in the future...and she is at peace with it. These two...I have never seen love as they shared. They had no children, and everyday was like puppy love. After 40+ years, he still called her 'doll', he still opened doors for her...you could see in his eyes that she was his everything, as he was hers. We always have our memories, to hold us over until the sun shines again. She could mourn forever, and be sad...but she knows that isn't what he would want. His passing has gotten me thinking about lots of things in my life. What is it that I need to let go in order to move on with my life?? Well, I don't know...but I know something is holding me back. I want a love like I know that my uncle and aunt shared...one that is strong enough to survive death. I feel like there is something in the way of that...I pray that God shows me the way. RIP Uncle Howard...you will always be loved and you will always be in so many of our hearts and memories. I am sure that you are looking down thinking about how silly we all are for our tears...as you are having the time of your life- literally :)

Posted by cynicalvixen at 9:26 PM

use somebody

Sunday, August 02, 2009

Use somebody Current mood: contemplative "What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction."- Chuck Palahniuk. Looking into nothingness... I am standing so close to something spectacular that I can smell it. I yearn for a moment of being understood, a moment to relish in the splendor of solace. Who am I? I am one who has hurt and been hurt. I am one who has fallen, only to stand again. I am one who has succeeded and failed all in the same breath. Alas, this lifestyle...this mode of survival is unnerving. I am weary with survival...I want to live. I want to rid myself of expectations....I want to breathe. I want to find myself...in his eyes, whomever he may be. These peaks and valleys of love...they have left me callused. How is one to find her prince submerged in a sea of frogs? I have said that I will never feel again...that I will hide from love and all that it entails. I'm tired of hiding. I want to feel that rush...to be swept of my feet, to feel safe in his arms as if the world cannot phase me. I want to need him in order to feel like myself. I want to smell his scent on my skin. I want to wake up everyday as exuberant as the day we met. I want him to never need another woman...to be amerced in me and all that is me. I digress, does he exist? Is he real? I want to believe that this is feasible....that love will someday set me free. Until then, I will not falter...i will be diligent with this silent vigil for the passion I know I need. The final chapter in the book of my past....and the first chapter in the book of my future.

Truth, rarely

Truth, rarely...

....................

A woman, in her truest form...

quite a goddess-

sensuality seeping from her pores-

and she knows this.

Unmistakenly mistakeable, she is as she pleases-

she walks away from most that can't understand.

Looking in her eyes, is like looking at the sun-

too powerful to truly see a thing.

So she closes them, to make others comfortable,

so they cant see the truth in her.

And with the sway of her hips,

lust bleeds out into a pool-

of empty nothingness that no one can touch.

Alone, content, she sets in the pool-

and drinks of it, so that it doesnt hurt her,

or anyone else.

Her lips are sweet, with passion...

and poison all the same,

As she looks at you awkwardly-

not remembering your name.

She could have sworn she came alone,

that there was no one to see the mess-

because her intent was to set here...

alone- joined only by her emptiness.

As you watch her clumsily gather herself,

you notice that there is something about her-

the way she speaks...her hair touching her face,

how she looks through you instead of at you-

amerced, deeply in this whirlwind of emotions...

Not even you could help but stare.

The light, kissing her skin so softly,

almost glowing, to touch her, divine.

Her scent, as you breathe her in-

heavenly almost, unforgettable.

She turns to you, though she knows she shouldn't...

for solace, for a place to rest her soul.

Standing

Standing...
Current mood:vixen-ish

She isn't really crazy, she is just a little jaded-
She didn't mean to get so drunk,
just a little faded...
then her life crept upon her-
and all the nightmares she's created.
And she's standing, with her knife...

Her intentions always started good,
though it's never really seemed as such-
She would love someone forever...
And when forever seemed to take too long,
and it all just got to be too much-
she would find another habit.
And she's standing, with a bottle....

A kiss that's filled with cyanide,
she even tried to tell them all to go away
but no one ever listened.
She's not the girl that someone wants to marry,
there are too many pieces to her puzzle-
that she doesn't care to show them.
And she's standing, in her own blood.

She has always tried not to stay too long,
to say goodbye before the welcomes gone-
and she's left before it's dawn.
It's easier for her to walk away from you,
than to ever just be left behind-
and I never meant to hurt you.
And Im standing, confused.

And she's looking, in a mirror...
that's broken.
And she's lying on the pieces...
she's broken.
And she can't stand, anymore

He's Just Not that into you

onday, May 18, 2009

Hes just not that into you.... Current mood: pretty I just saw the most awesome movie ever...He's Just Not that into You. Ladies, if you haven't seen it or heard of it....I advise, totally. It got me thinking about a lot of things...in regards to life, and relationships. So many time we catch ourselves up in this cat and mouse game called dating...and in actuality, none of it matters. If someone isn't diggin' you, then pack up your emotional baggage and get the fuck up on through. I have never been one to waste my time in places where nothing stands...yet, even i sometimes get overwhelmed in the mess. My opinion is this, there is always someone better behind the next curtain...always. Don't settle...it will leave you drained and disappointed. If you see the tell tale signs in the beginning, then don't expect things to change or get better- because they won't. People DON'T change, they just alter themselves as the situation calls for it. Still, always reverting to their original state. I have learned to be who I am and the rest will follow. I never find myself desolate in matters of the heart, and I never regret...I learn instead. I see so many of my friends that thrive on the drama that these so called men cause.... they never realize who they truly are in the single sense. There are all kinds of rules to dating....and most are total bullshit. Then, there is the exception...and that is how one knows that they have found their niche. When nothing is as it's never been, that's when you have struck gold. Until then, fuck em...I am going to have a blast being me. Whatever happens in between is just for shits and giggles anyway- no matter how important they think they might be. Lol. Boys...they are so much fun to play with