So...my last night of work for six weeks. Wowza...what a night. Heart attacks, MVAs, and babies...oh my. It's cool though...kind of kept my mind off the things which lie ahead. I am sure I am being irrational, but with working in health care...I know what can go wrong during surgery. I am just trying to not think about it.
Moving along...so, I cut my best friend of 16 years off about 2 months ago. Why??? Well, that is bc she is self absorbed and violated the code of confidentiality that holds true among best friends. I found out the other day she is having (another) baby. I don't know how I feel about that. She was also married this past weekend...which I didn't understand until I heard about the new addition. I miss her...I really do. She was my best friend since like...birth. Everything in my childhood, well mostly, involves her. My first kiss, my period, the prom, my first time getting drunk, my (lots of) firsts with illegal substances, my first bf, my first heart break. I just feel like I have lost so much with losing her. Part of my wants to call her and tell her that losing our friendship..no matter the cause, is silly. Another part of me, the stubborn Mick, says fuck her...I have plenty of friends. Even I know that is irrational. I miss her kids sooooo much. I have been a part of their lives since day 1, and I feel like I have lost a child of my own. Uggh...it's such a strange place I find myself at almost 28 years of age. I keep being told that things get easier...but this seems to not be the case.
In matters of love...nothing new, nothing spectacular...nothing really at all. I suppose this is why I always try to steer from relationships. It seems I just coexist with this guy...sometimes I look at him and wonder if I really know who he is at all. Sometimes, I swear I can look at him and see a stranger. Michael is a complex character...one with many faces. Some are genuine, others are facetious. I see the facades he puts on for others...and sometimes, I wonder if he is just acting out the part with me. So much has happened in 2 years...so much has changed. I have read before that the one who holds the power in a relationship is the one who cares the least. Those roles have drastically changed since 2007. In the beginning, I was crazy over him. Now, I can't even remember feeling that way. He doesn't understand the change...then again, he has never been fucked over the way he has done others. I look at him at times...and wonder what it was that we all saw. There is nothing spectacular...nothing remarkable. His looks are mediocre. His personality is also tepid, depending on the day... one could even find it repulsive. He is very smart...but very lazy- which is why he is nowhere in life. Perhaps...after all this time, no matter how hard either of us have tried- this relationship simply cannot survive his neglect and lack of consideration for my feelings. I am a caring person, and I don't understand the nature of people who aren't. He...just isn't. Michael cares about himself and whatever directly relates to an outcome that may be pleasing for him. I believe he cares about me as much as he is able to care about another human being...but I truly don't feel that is saying much. I spent so much time in a lackluster romance...and I vowed to never allow myself to feel as such again. Alas, here I am. I am a creature of habit...therefore I don't feel that I will ever truly feel for him as I once did, bc I cannot risk being broken again. I won't let it happen. Sadly, at this point...nothing he could do could hurt me any more than he already has. I would never tell him this...bc undoubtedly, he would deny it...but I have never felt that he really loves me. He tells me he does, but it feels fake. I don't think Michael can love...not anyone other than Gabe. Which is a whole new issue...leaving Michael also means losing Gabe and though he isn't my own, I am crazy about that little booger. His giggles are contagious...and Kailey and Elyza love him. I am not saying I want to leave Michael, rather make him leave as we do live in my house...it's just, I feel...so blah. I just don't think this is a way I could spend forever.
Then there is my sister...God be with her, that is all I can say. Her soon to be ex is so much worse a fate than any I can think of. He is worse than Chad, which is hard to swallow. Knowing how mean he is being to my sweety poo sis makes me want to fucking kick him in the throat. Who knows...??? I just may do it....lol. Lord knows he and I have went toe to toe several times. I am a very rational, very understanding person. I digress, when my temper flares...bad shit happens. Lol...no amount of anger management (not even the 4 times I have been) could save old Brian....that motherfucker. I pray God calms me...if not, Dad already said he would bail me out of jail:) Actually, my dad is the only one that understands my 'psychotic tendencies, as the counselor put it... Hell, I got it from him. Ughh...men. WTF.
Yea well...that is enough for now. Updates post surg soon.
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