kissed by a rose on the gray...

No blacks, no whites...just gray. Here is where I stand...in the gray. Could this really be? After succeeding in spite of hurdles...after surviving my life- I am gray? I am 27. In all honestly, I should be proud of myself. I am not. I feel like I have failed myself, my daughters. I could be so much more than what I am . It wasn't meant for me to be a drone. To work my ass off for 'the man'. I should be in the lime light...it's where I have always belonged. I had so many blessings...and I threw them away. When I was growing up...I dreamed so big. I wanted to be a pediatrician...when did I lose sight of that? I remember...it's when I turned down scholarship after scholarship. I am so angry at myself. I can't say I wish I could turn back time...because Kailey and Elyza (despite their assfuck of a father) are my first, my last, my everything. Even still...I feel I should be able to do more for them. I feel I have done them a disservice by not living up to my potential. Ahh the things we do for love...or at least what we think is love. I mean...really? Can anyone tell me what love is supposed to feel like? I've no passion for it anymore. I used to...but you can only beat someone so many times before they start to flinch. Here I stand...gray, and flinching. lol...Satyrically comical. Sigh...my life- a dark fucking comedy...starring me. I want a love like Gomez and Morticia. Quirkily misunderstood...but real love. I know they were fictional characters...but to think that a man could be so chivalrous is a beautiful thought. What happened to chivalry anyway? Why is it that men of this generation only love after they have lost. Time after time...love always happens at different intervals. Why is it that a man has to drag me to Hell before knowing he loves me? By the time they realize it...I have already lost interest. Present 'relationship' included. Michael is a good man...but fucked up. Way passed anything I can begin to decypher. I know he loves me...despite his ways. He has been good for a while now...I think being homeless for two weeks helped that. I digress...I don't feel the same. I am not attracted to him anymore...he made himself the enemy. No matter how hard I try...I will never feel as I once did for him. Sigh...and so is life. With this being said...I lose the blacks and the whites- there is no definition anymore. My love, my hate, my angst, my desire...it used to be so defined, so extreme, so passionate. Now...mediocrity is my creed. Gray...FML.